A Stupid Reason for a Kickstarter

13 comments Written on December 13th, 2013 by
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Schoen Drive, Lawrence, IN

The town of Lawrence, Indiana, lies about twelve miles south south-east of Indianapolis. In this town there is a short, curling street, a single block in length: Schoen Dr.

If I owned a home on that street I would be Dr. Lawrence Schoen living on Schoen Dr. in Lawrence, IN.

Many of the houses on this street sell in the $40-60K range. Many are in foreclosure.

Clearly I must acquire a house on this street, if for no other reason than to confound the post office with my mailing address.

I don’t know what I’d do with such a home (I live in eastern PA, after all), but that’s not the point. Nor does it matter that I don’t have a spare sixty grand laying around (I already looked under the mattress — no luck). Surely this is what Kickstarter exists for, right? Right?

This is a stupid idea wrapped around a stupid idea. Which means… it could actually work.

Please talk me out of this.

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13 comments “A Stupid Reason for a Kickstarter”

I will NOT talk you out of this. It’s brilliant. BEGIN IT NOW.

Ah, but what are the stretch goals going to be? A buffalo burger BBQ in the backyard? A Klingon writer’s retreat?

All good Kickstarters have stretch goals.

Dr. Phil

Stretch goals are a must. How else will I be able to pay for repair work to the house? Not to mention appliances and furniture?

I’m open to suggestions as to what would be appropriate stretch goals. 

Let’s pretend (ahem) this is a serious question. I can draw upon several types of resources for various award levels and goals:
1) my own fiction (ebook copies of stories and novels, tuckerizations)
2) my small press (ebook copies of books, mention in the acknowledgments of future works)
3) my notoriety in the Klingon language community (one on one beginner instruction)
4) my work as a hypnotherapist (one on one sessions for resolving writers’ issues).

What else?

Well, yes; it’s brill–but not good enough. The recursion is off by one.

You need to go further. Imagine, if you will, if this road was in the Dominican Republic.

Then you would have the opportunity to have on your business cards:

Dr. Lawrence Schoen
xxxx Schoen Dr.
Lawrence, DR 10101

Like traveling to IN isn’t trouble enough?

Besides, wikipedia’s list of cities in the DR does not include one named Lawrence (let a lone  a Schoen Drive there).

Clearly the universe WANTS me to have a house on this street in Indiana! 

Why is this not a kickstarter already? A higher pledge level would be an invite to the rockin party you are going to throw when you’ve bought the place.

If you clicked on the photo, you’ll see that a house at 8155 Schoen Drive is for sale.

Curiously, I will turn 55 on my next birthday, July 27, 2014. 

Clearly this is a sign that the “rockin party” should be a birthday celebration. And further, it allows time to complete the Kickstarter, buy the house, make repairs, acquire furniture and appliances, and get ready for the party!

What’s an appropriate pledge level for a party invitation?

“We named the DOG Indiana.”

Good point, Howard. This domicile could be buffalo dog headquarters!

I know two things you can do with the place.

1: Rent it out to my son, who has a job on the south side of Indianapolis, and is currently doing a bizarre half-commute, half freeload-at-uncle’s place thing that won’t last indefinitely.

2: Host the 2015 qep’a’.

Clearly, you could hold writers’ retreats there. Writerly conviviality for some hours of the day. Silence and goddamnit-we’re-writing-here for other hours.

And of course, parties. Duh.

I am thinking this could work.

Dr. Schoen,
I’ve followed your blog, but this is the first one that had me smiling so painfully. Ah, and thanks to the other commentors [Is that a word?]. If it wasn’t Firdya, uh, yeah. That represents my day. I would normally have tried to be witty. But you folks have already done it for me.

Yes, the Lawrence Shoen Institute for Buffalito Studies stretch goals could include memberships in the institute. Several levels of membership: Corresponding, Supporting, Voting, Executive.

Other perks could include signed pictures of you and Barry (maybe $5 gets you an electronic version you can print!),  signed copies of your books – some amount for each volume. The Compleat Buffalito. A signed, printed copy of an original short buffalito story done for the kickstarter.

Mix and add and stir.

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